Welcome to my Parlour ...

Parlour -
A reception room in a private residence.

In this case, the private residence would be the recesses of my mind ...
which can be, at once, a wondrous and a terrifying place to be.
A place of confusion and fear, doubt and despair as I daily tackle the mental health challenges which are my birthright and curse.
But also a place of glorious imagination and profound Faith borne from the wellspring of my lifelong spiritual quest for understanding and self-mastery and the power, subtle and real, this Path has granted me.

This Parlour, then, would be that little space where the outside world may meet MY reality.

Truly, there's no telling what one may find posted here.
Ultimately this space is for myself, although others are welcome to stay a while provided they don't mind the spider.

~ Go dtugtar breith orainn dá réir ár ngníomhartha. ~
(Let us, by our actions, be judged)

Tuesday, 6 February 2018

FeBlueAry

Sigh ...

I _really_ HATE February.

28 (+1 every 4) of the darkest, greyest, numbest days in my year. 

At this time I'm at my lowest ebb ... the thoughts that batter me are loudest and most insistent, shredding me, and I feel _nothing_. 

It's a time to simply endure ... to cling tightly to the knowledge that this is the 50th February I have witnessed and, as with all 49 previous, this soul sucking grey will pass and the inside of my skull will become easier to manage (relatively speaking). 

I don't think it's so much that this month is in any way worse than the 11 others in the calendar, although the lack of sunlight and SAD could account for some of it. It's more like, during this month, I just can't maintain the facade of functionality that I seem to the rest of the year. This is when I isolate the most, drawing away from as much of the world and the people in it as I can ... the agoraphobia demands that I maintain a tight control upon my responses so that I do not lose control and draw attention to me and this is when I'm least able to do it.

A current catch-phrase going around is "invisible disabilities are real" and, while true, mine aren't nearly as invisible as I'd like to pretend they are right now. 

ÉC - Week 5

(From January 29th to February 4th  ... Distance walked in miles: Mon = 3.81, Tues = 2.22, Wed = 0.04, Thurs = nil, Friday = 0.86, Sat = 5.72, Sun = 5.93)
(Total Weekly Distance = 18.57 miles)
(Total Cumulative Distance = 68.64 miles)

Not much to tell really ... Traveled along the East Road this week. I made good progress, almost 20 miles, which sees me stopped just two miles shy of the Company's camp on Day 7. The map claims that there's supposed to be a large expanse of old growth forest visible southward from the road for much of this section of my travels but, alas, it is long gone.

Well, mostly long gone - I think ... 

It was probably my eyes playing tricks in the gloom back on the night of January 31st but, by the light of the Blue Moon lunar eclipse, I could have sworn that the landscape changed and the hard line of the horizon was momentarily altered. I could have sworn it appeared higher and with the touselled look of shadowy tree tops. I was so curious that I was prepared to trudge out there and investigate but the puppy that has been following me for the last few days, begging scraps and scritches at meal times, put up such a terrified hue and cry ... huddling next to my leg with the hem of my pants clamped tight in his jaws refusing to venture away from the fire. A cloud passed over the moon as I reached down to pick him up and reassure him and, when next I looked, the eclipse was over and the reflected light of the full moon's face illuminated only pastures separated by low stone stiles. 

It must have been my imagination, right?

Sunday, 4 February 2018

ÉC - Week 4

(From January 22nd to 28th  ... Distance walked in miles: Mon = nil, Tues = 2.11, Wed = 1.65, Thurs = 2.2, Friday = nil, Sat = 4.79, Sun = 4.01)
(Total Weekly Distance = 14.76 miles)
(Total Cumulative Distance = 50.07 miles

Made better progress this week ... Arrived at the river my map calls Brandywine the second day and found it greatly silted up. So much so that it is now more of a creek and relatively easy to ford with a depth that reached my mid-chest, although the reed covered far bank did make climbing out somewhat tricky.

Wandering some farmer's field, I turned my toes southward to try and find some hint of the road that had led to Buckland but, unless the castle chose to use it for a path of least resistance, I couldn't say for certain whether I found it. Facing eastward once again, I set off again past the mark on the map that denoted High Hay and, wanting to make up a little for the time I'd lost last week, I pushed on one mile past where the Company is said to have stopped for the night on day 5. 

Bit happier with my pace this week. Here's hoping next week proves to be as productive.