I honestly haven't a clue.
I know that you're supposed to learn how as you grow from child to adult but what happens when childhood was sufficiently fucked up that you spent almost the whole thing in a state of survival... Riding the crest of a river's worth of adrenaline daily frantically trying to avoid the Rapids and faring about as well as your average Wiley Coyote. When early life experience is a series of traumas and most of it was spent playing Keep-Away from conflict sources... Well, least-ways those which were avoidable. The two most painful sources of trauma lived at home a with me. In my home neighborhood and at school, active avoidance tended to work well to keep me out of reach of my hunters.
Let's be frank here - all that running away made for a lonely time and a constant diet of lonely times made for woefully underdeveloped social skills.
I've had it said that I frame my words oddly, one person even used 'quaintly' as a descriptor to my attempts at conversation. I don't actually understand why anyone would be surprised by that... I learned to communicate through reading. After the singing, reading was my great escape - it allowed me to remove myself from all of it. Within the pages of a novel, even the Elephant could be temporarily evaded. I rarely had others to talk to, as a result I couldn't learn to converse. Conversation is an art and, to gain skill at said art, one kind of has to have other people to practice with/on. I read pre-scripted story based conversation. Makes for an exceedingly awkward time when placed in a situation where small talk is the social norm... lots of painful silences.
Is it even possible to learn those skills so late in life?
I'm not expecting to be able to be the life of the party but being able to hold a normal "small talk" conversation without running out of words and ideas surely wouldn't be too much to ask, would it?
I've tried being more gregarious, trying to organize events or activities for folk to take part in or just trying to come out of my hamster-ball more. I always fail miserably... Invariably screwing up somehow and ending up wishing I hadn't tried. Giving the mess in my head a ton of fodder for self-torture as soon as the anxiety and depression manage to batter my defences down.
But it's still just running away from possible conflict... Like most humans, I absolutely hate being alone 95-97% of the time but life has well conditioned my avoidant responses.
It is better to be miserable alone doing battle with the inside of my skull than to take the chance of adding the drama of others to my already overflowing fountain of stress.
I can, most times, manage the poison pills that pass for thoughts because I've had a lifetime to learn what my reaction patterns are and the ways my chemically imbalanced brain goes on the attack. Other people, due to my having missed the chance to learn how to be friendly and social on a casual level, bring a level of chaos which is often distressing.
My concept of friendship is idealized... Having been shaped not by actual experience with other people but by the concepts of nobility and steadfastness found in stories.
My ability to make friends, downright stunted by the fear that motivates me into avoidance.
My ability to generate misunderstanding, is astounding...
Breakthroughs in medical understanding in the physical effects of early/childhood trauma on the developing brain means that my agoraphobia diagnosis is likely to end up changed. I demonstrate textbook signs and symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder complete with the associated disastrous childhood backstory and resulting C-PTSD as evidenced by the fact that I relive memories and become triggered by them instead of simply remembering the sequence of events. Unfortunately those Breakthroughs are recent enough that my toolbox of useful coping skills is severely lacking and will take time to build. Trial and error style, or course.
I'm trying to approach the idea of having a personality disorder from the perspective that this need not be a progressively worsening situation. Because of their nature, phobias can be managed with great effort and persistence but they cannot be cured. I am and will always be acrophobic (pathologically and unreasoning terrified of heights) I can learn to moderate and control my reactions so as not to humiliate myself but the actual fear doesn't go away. A personality disorder, however, is a set of dysfunctional but learned behavioral patterns. As such, it ought to be possible to alter the actual reactions themselves... Dismantling the harmful behaviors
And then replacing them with ...
With what?
Hmm... It would appear I've circled back on myself to the beginning of this post.
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