It went well overall.
Apparently my brain IS lying to me and I'm not a total waste.
What I hear when I sing is not what the professional vocalist heard and my voice was described as 'lovely' when she was introduced to Kara.
Yup...
This has created an interesting situation inside my skull with a twofold benefit.
- Every time my thoughts try to complete a destructive cycle, an echo of her comment is all it can find to replay and that kind of short circuits the spiral.
- This short circuit to the comfortable (in terms of routine/known) habits my patterns of thought follow is drawing my conscious attention to just how frequently these spirals occur.
That is proving to be a significant amount of time each day essentially spent bullying myself. Exhausting and severely counterproductive.
Can't change what you aren't aware of and, now that I am aware, I can work towards changing those mental habits.
For the immediate moment, it kind of feels good to actually have something to block the spiral with.
Brain is still at war with me but I might just have won a battle for a change.
Looks like I'll be going back next week.
Also of note -
Amaya came with and she was absolutely amazing. Lori called her the session's spirit animal (she was wearing a grey cat mask) cause, if it wasn't for her sensitivity, I likely would have succumbed to the panic that manifested when I heard the reverb of my voice in the microphone and the phobic urge to flee that followed. I HAVE fled from the sound of my own voice before but she grabbed my hand at just the right moment and held it through to the end of the song. The panic eased just enough to push through it and I didn't end up humiliating myself with an ugly crying dash from the building never to be seen again. That child gives me courage. ❤️
I'm hoping that, through exposure, we can entice Amaya to start singing again herself. She's stopped in the last year and that strikes me as a warning bell, based on my own lived experience. Fingers crossed, eh?
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