Just keep breathing ... breathing ... breathing ...

I've been feeling very vulnerable since posting that video the other day. 

Even as I mentioned in the vid, there's been nary a single response ... depressing but not a surprise. 

I'm shaky today ... It's hard to breathe and I'm doing my best to be present enough to catch myself when I am doing the apical thing. I'm quite jumpy enough as it is without pinging my fight or flight instincts by breathing quick and shallow. 

Got caught by surprise by a heartbreaking scene in the Netflix movie 'Born in China' wherein they had been following the adventures of several different animals and one of them was shown as having died ... it was an adult female snow leopard (my favorite of the cats) ... and the image caused such an emotional shock that I actually said aloud "I didn't need to see that" 

First chink in my armour of dissociation ... tears did run while I did my best to breathe regularly through it. 

Then I got an email from our Shih Tzu breeder wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving and asking how everyone is doing. I truly love my breeders ... they care so much not only about the dogs they adopt out but also the families they become part of. Of course, providing a quick update included talking about M'Lady ... so the tears are back. 

Lessons in Survival ...

Day 1 Fallout ...

Very grateful for good neighbors. 

So, yesterday, Kara and I had a very unsettling experience. 

Driving near our home, we were approached by a young male teen (15-16 is my guess but I'm terrible with ages). Kara stopped the car and I lowered my window so we could see what was up. There was something very off in his demeanour and that he was high as a kite and tweaking on something was apparent even to me (and trust me, I can be quite oblivious to those things when my nurturing/concern circuits are engaged). 

His face looked like someone had rubbed dirt on it and he approached saying that someone had beaten him up (cue concern circuits). But, even to me, his words didn't ring true ... Kara's natural skepticism kicked in and she told him we couldn't stop as I had to get to work and we quickly drove away home. 

Fear and Loathing between my Ears ...

I have to get this out of my skull and somewhere where it can do less harm ...

I'm really hating human-kind right now ... 

I'm working on a shawl, the purpose for which was to help me get my crojo (crafting mojo) back. The last thing I need is to build the thoughts I'm currently having into the project which I'm either going to wear myself or give away to some innocent other. And I don't fancy burning this piece, which would be a good way to cleanse the tormented emotions I'm dealing with.

I remember hiding under my desk in elementary school, curled tight into the floor as the school intercom blasted the siren for the nuclear raids. Even then, no older than my granddaughter is now, I wondered why we were made to perform an action that was so useless ... trying to process why the adults around me experienced such fear.

As I grew older, I came to understand the danger and I learned to fear ... not the intangible fear of the unknown that is part of childhood ... nor even the unreasoning terror that came with the acrophobia ... but a fear of my own species. A fear that came from a knowing so old that it felt that it came from the very marrow of my bones ... a ken from deep within that these creatures with which I share biological kinship are not to be trusted and will, with great certainty, prove to be the authors of their own extinction.

Then as I made my progression from adolescence to adulthood, the world entered a period where it seemed as though there was actual point in hoping for better. And, gradually, I forgot how it felt to live with a constant fear of death ...

The true lesson of Generation X is helplessness ... and the world turns yet again.

Once again my species seems bound and determined to repeat lessons we swore never to forget.

And prove just how small-minded and easily led we really are.

Beating my head and heart against walls of misinformation

Feeling so utterly alone and so very angry

Pointlessness rules

This is fodder for my enemy ... my mind.

Best it stay here than get poured into and handiwork where it might remain enmeshed.