Welcome to my Parlour ...

On August 26th, 2010, my mother passed beyond the veil.
This event has become a catalyst for change in many and often profound ways in my life.
This is my way of chronicling those changes so that I may, at a later date, have the ability to review and reflect upon them.

~ Go dtugtar breith orainn dá réir ár ngníomhartha. ~
(Let us, by our actions, be judged)

Friday, October 28, 2016

Small things ...

Started singing in the car on the way home from taking K to her appointment with the eye specialist.

Haven't done that for a while. :)

yeah .. it's still there ...

That 'thing' is still there in the back of my head ...

I understand fully why so many people have been succumbing to suicide ... if they're feeling the pressure like I am.

Nobody hit the panic button just because I said the 'S' word, mind you.
I'm not going to hurt myself ... I've spent too bloody long (all my life) battling this particular daemon to allow it to get the upper hand when two small children depend on me.
Nope Nope .. not going to happen.

But I do get it ... I'm actively having to resist going into full on agoraphobe hermitage. Going out the front door hasn't been this much of a struggle for several years. I'm doing everything in my power to avoid all forms of news and news bearing media ... the GREY seems to have gripped the world and is squeezing it tight, choking the very decency and kindness out of folks.

Whatever this thing is that still darts and squirms at the back of my mind, the edge of my consciousness ... it is part of this chaos. I think I cannot put it into words because it's not meant to be defined or described. That would rob it of its power ... it needs to remain an amorphous, unknown but ever present malaise.

Yeah ... I do get it.
I just hope we don't lose too many more bright souls before this pressure breaks ... likely like a seed bursting forth from its envelope to put down roots and grow.

Nothing is more dangerous than right before change, actual real change is about to happen ... none closer to death than when birth is imminent.

Perhaps there is a reason behind all this after all ...
I just wonder if we, as a species and as individuals, are wise enough to figure out what that might be before too many more good people are hurt or lost.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Pressure building ...

Caveat - I have this nebulous thing floating in my head ... I doubt I'm going to express it well because it isn't fully formed and I'm not sure how to make it so. 

2016 has been brutal ... 2015 was rough, but 2016 has brought with it a sense of pressure and emotional savagery like no other I have experienced in almost 50 years of living. The very worst of humankind is playing itself out on a global scale ... Death, whether it be from age and natural causes, disease, or suicide, appears to be claiming our best and brightest ... Trauma seems to be hiding around every turn off the week ...

Every time I sit down to get this out of my head ... this uncomfortable buzz at the back of my skull with the slightly nauseated, persistently difficult to breathe, need to get away for this world ... my usual somewhat eloquent flair for words evaporates and I have to work to resist throwing the tablet across the room. It's almost like, whatever this thing is, it had a consciousness of its own and is fighting to prevent me from bringing it from the recesses of my subconscious and out into the light of day. It twists and bucks, trying to stay free of my grasp but poisoning my thoughts all the while. 

I'm going to walk away for a while and do some fibre arts ... my shield against the grey ... against the thing.
Will come back in a while and see if I can put more into words.