Welcome to my Parlour ...

On August 26th, 2010, my mother passed beyond the veil.
This event has become a catalyst for change in many and often profound ways in my life.
This is my way of chronicling those changes so that I may, at a later date, have the ability to review and reflect upon them.

~ Go dtugtar breith orainn dá réir ár ngníomhartha. ~
(Let us, by our actions, be judged)

Saturday, July 21, 2012

It's when they adopt you back ...

Yes, I know ... It's been a LOOOoooOOONG silence on this blog.

Since I last posted, I have been doing well with my depression meds. But, as the depression has abated, my social anxiety has really come to the fore. And now we're looking at whether it is really a simple case of anxiety or whether I actually have a form of Agoraphobia to go with my Acrophobia. I use my anti-anxiety med when I need to (which is more frequently than I'd like) and muddling along as best I can.

Which means that I've retreated about as far back into myself that only the cats and the plants in my wee garden have been seeing my face. I have not been happy with myself and have needed the time to think my way through my own internal processes so I could figure out how I want to manage myself. Taking time in solitude to make a thorough list of the things I'd like to/need to change ... or at least work on ... and figuring out how exactly to go about it.

One change I've been wanting to make was to get more activity into my day and I decided to act on that today despite the fact that I'm still not feeling too well due to the bug that's still camping in my chest. So, I up and got myself ready to take a walk ... I wasn't planning on going far - just around the block, really. I dressed up properly, making sure to wear my garden sun hat and that I was well covered so as to not risk a sunburn.

I headed out with my iPhone set to its music player and earbuds in my ears. Walking at a comfortably brisk pace when I suddenly realized I was being followed ...

Once she realized I had spotted her, Eowyn decided to play
cute and flopped on her side. I tried to tell her that I was just
going for a walk, and would be back very soon.

As soon as I started walking, she resumed following me again.
There was no discouraging her and she accompanied me
the whole way and back to the house.

Still following even though she was feeling a bit
uncomfortable being out in the open.

Starting at about the halfway point in the walk, I found myself thinking about the pet rescue/adoption commercials which were on the TV not too long ago. The ones which stated that the reward in adopting a pet wasn't in bringing them home, or in the caring for their needs ... it was when they adopted you back.

As we were walking along ... and both she and I spend a fair amount of time making sure that we kept each other within eyeshot ... with her scolding me the whole way in little meows I couldn't hear due to the earbuds ... I couldn't help thinking that there's little stronger proof that she considers me hers than going for a walk with me and escorting me all the way back to the house before she would stop scolding.

The realization generated a really happy feeling ... and I realized that the commercial was right ...

The reward really is when they adopt you back.


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Dog-gonne ...

So yesterday started off quite calmly, almost serenely ...

I got up early and travelled into Langley to meet the Realtor who will, when the EL lets me know that everything is finally sorted out, be helping me to find the house of my dreams. We've managed, over the last month or so, to figure out that Langley is likely going to be the township of choice. Mission and everything east of the River is just the "wrong side of the tracks" for what I'm looking for.

Sure, I could get easy acreage ... most of it straight up or down a mountain *snerk* and not readily usable without some extreme terracing/landscaping on my part) ... but there's so very little growth on that side of the river that it's an easy bet that anything I purchase would be out of my price range. And then there are the former grow-ops ... and they ARE all over the place there. That label stays with the property no matter how long ago it was busted and becomes an anchor around the owners necks when it comes time to resell.

Abbotsford is similar; much better future for property appreciation and the right place could well win me over but so very many of the houses there are the huge monster houses with postage-stamp backyards or hanging over a cliff face. This acrophobe doesn't do so very well at all with that kind of setup.

Langley is, to me, just so very much more friendly a place and still close enough to Vancouver for a visit there to not have to be a whole day trip. Meh ... it's all about preferences, eh?

Anyhoo ... we went and looked at a couple of places and that all went quite well. I saw one that I definitely see myself living in even though the interior would need to be gutted and renovated from the bottom up due to how old/worn it is (but the skeletal structure and roof seemed sound) with plenty of room for me to garden and do my herbs, lotions, & potions thing. The other was move in ready and quite nice, needing more work in the yard to undo the wasteful landscaping and make it suitable for active gardening instead of something useless to look at.

Sadly having to wait means that there are good odds that both will be gone well before but it continues to allow me to narrow down what I do and do not want in the home I plan to reside in until the nice men come to take me (kicking and screaming, of course) to the old-folks home.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Update in the third part ...

*headdesk*

... Meh

*lifts head only to drop it to the desk again*



Well, it would appear that She is still not done playing her damn games ...

So, today I get an email from the EL to tell me that he has had no success beyond a bit of telephone tag reaching Her to let her know that he had decided to allow her to have her way concerning the choice of investment company that she wishes to have handle her portion of the estate. Then, instead of contacting him, it turns out that she has retained a lawyer of her own and is still trying to play games but now through them. She has had them advise the EL that he will be directing all communications with Her to them instead.

*headdesk*

The EL is labouring under the impression that this (her having retained a lawyer) will speed things up ... I am not so certain. This seem to me to be the opening salvo for yet more and more expensive games to come.

*headdesk*

Yea ... we may be going to back to the Dr to talk about anti-anxiety meds being that my tremor is becoming more pronounced daily as the uncertainty wears on ...




Monday, January 23, 2012

Update in the second part ...

So ... no great announcements yet but, perhaps, a little gained ground,

Apparently the EL and my sister had reached a verbal agreement back in December before she went off on holiday (geez, wouldn't it be nice?) that ought to have brought things to a conclusion shortly after the new year ... alas, as is predictably her, during her holiday she sent hi an email reneging on the agreement and making a new set of demands off him.

This time, however, it would seem that the demands she's made is something that (in the interest of getting things done and not having to fight with her over every little thing for the next 11years) the EL is actually willing to concede ... mabey.

He needs to contact a couple of lawyers that routinely handle estate law and check on the legalities, as well as weight out what he views as his moral responsibilities to my mother. He's promised to call me back this coming Friday to update me as to whether he's made a decision and, if yes, what it might be. Which means that I may finally get an actual firm timeline on when this will all be over.

More to come ...

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Update in the first part ...

I received an interesting email from the estate lawyer on Friday late afternoon. Basically indicating that there's been a development with the estate ... my sister's apparently put forth a proposal to the EL which is reasonable enough that he is considering it. He indicated that he will contact me on Monday to bring me properly up to speed as to the current state of things.

I will admit to being quite curious as to what this proposal is. No point in playing the "what-if" game, I'll find out tomorrow.

More to come ...

Friday, January 6, 2012

I Resolve ...

My first post of 2012 ...

Has the change of the calendar created a change in my life?

No, and yes.

Nothing has changed in the mundane day to day -- Kara still has a way to go in her healing and her insurance ran out the end of November; my sibling is still making things as difficult as before so no resolution on the financial front; my son's work hours have been significantly cut and he may not have his share of the rent at the end of the month; and it goes on -- and yet ...

I have changed. Well, my outlook has changed ... is changing ... since each day since I did that working for my friend is brighter and sits more lightly on my shoulders.

As an individual who has always tended towards various degrees of depression at the best of times (trust me, folks, were it not for the coping strategies I developed as a child [and the child of a psychiatrist at that], I likely would have spent much of my adolescence and adulthood on antidepressants), a negative attitude is not a difficult thing for me to fall into the habit of. And next month, February, is traditionally that point out of the year when my internal turmoil and pain is at it's worst.

And yet, I have felt more hopeful and grateful over the course of this first week of the new calendar ... and I'm enjoying it ^_^

I cannot do anything to change the circumstances in which I find myself stuck ... nor can I change the minds of those people who are the sources of the greatest of my stresses ... where those things are concerned, I still have no choice but to wait for the inevitable resolutions that will come eventually. I can only change how I choose to act as a result of those forces I cannot control and I find myself wishing to choose to stop waiting and start living again.

We shall see, as the month (and eventually the year) wears on, just what I can do to chase this good feeling and see where it leads me.