Welcome to my Parlour ...

On August 26th, 2010, my mother passed beyond the veil.
This event has become a catalyst for change in many and often profound ways in my life.
This is my way of chronicling those changes so that I may, at a later date, have the ability to review and reflect upon them.

~ Go dtugtar breith orainn dá réir ár ngníomhartha. ~
(Let us, by our actions, be judged)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Location, location, location ... pt 2

My spirits are becoming a bit brighter again ... tho likely to stay on the off side of depressed until the end of September (being that Da's birthday was the 13th and Mum's the 28th), after which I'll be good until the 13th of November (Da's passing).

It's a nice feeling, although I'm still terribly emotional and apt to have tears in my eyes a lot with little provocation, to not be carrying such a depth of darkness with me around my days. I've been focused upon trying to plan for the future, with the understanding that the time when things are going to improve dramatically is getting ever closer (albeit slowly).

To that end, I've actually succeeded on getting Kara motivated to get herself geared up for school. Got her looking into Langara College with it's University transfer program to UBC ... she discovered that she can do her first two years at Langara for a fairly reasonable tuition and then transfer into 3rd year UBC Psych. And all she needs to get started is her GED. Needless to say, she's quite enthused by this turn of events.

Working on trying to get the Cave Troll to make a choice about what he might like to try ... he is his own worst enemy. Putting up roadblocks faster than you can encourage him to try. It's quite frustrating .. for him as well as for Kara and I. We know what the boy is capable of, we just need to get him to make a decision on where to start. I'll keep up some gentle pressure so that, when the time comes that he can actually see about getting into school, he'll have at least researched a few things.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Dehydration Rehydration ...

I've been having a real problem with hydration ... the very essential need to maintain the levels of H2O that is necessary for all the systems of the body to perform their jobs properly and maintain good health. I noticed a few weeks ago that my ankles and feet were swelling, which means that my body is dehydrated and my lymphatic system is trying to calm my brain's panic by taking extra fluid from my bloodstream and storing it between my tissues and my cells.

Part of the problem has been Kara's tendency to spoil me ... she brings me Coca-Cola every day and it is a weakness that I will readily admit to. I am a Coke addict ... addicted to the caffeine and sugar to the point of being able to discern the "real thing" from the pretender colas (I was a terror during the 1980's Pepsi Challenge days). I am such a Coca-Cola-holic that I even took time, when visiting a friend in Australia in 2002, to sample their version to find out if the rumour about Canada and Australia sharing the same recipe (sweeter than the original US one) were true. It is ^_~

Saturday, August 27, 2011

366 Days ...

I couldn't write anything yesterday.
Still can't write much, but didn't want the day to go completely unmarked.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Mum's passing.

I'm not terribly ok and am isolating myself from everyone and everything until I have all my emotional marbles collected back into the same basket again.

I will be ok ... just need time, eh?
I miss her.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Tearful Gratitude ...

Heh, I'm crying again. The tears come and just won't stop but this time, unlike all the other times, the reason for the tears is readily apparent.

I got word today from the executor/lawyer (E/L) ... it would appear that the financial fellow (FF) was as good as his word to me on Tuesday. The E/L informed me that he had spoken with the FF who had explained my situation to him and impressed upon him a sense of urgency about not only getting me some financial assistance but also about not delaying any further at getting the estate issues back into a forward moving position.

They have figured out a way that I can receive some help each month to facilitate keeping us afloat until a proper and final resolution is reached. I'll be receiving a cheque to help bring me current with those parts of my finances which are in arrears. They are also making some extra funds available to me for Kara's surgery in October.

I'm so very relieved that I don't have to jump every time I hear the "beep beep beep" of a truck backing up anymore, for fear that my car's being loaded onto a tow-truck (and, considering this house is situated above a truck yard, I hear that sound a lot!). I'll be able to get all my arrears caught up and have a little something each month to ensure that we have food in the cupboards again.

Let the tears come ... I welcome them.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Emotional ...

So, yesterday was my birthday. I turned 44 and, quite frankly, I am happy it's over.

I've been rather fragile emotionally for the better part of the last week ... apt to suddenly have tears in my eyes, and down my cheeks, with little warning and just about no provocation. I'm still that way now .. but at least I've identified some of the cause.

Yesterday started well ... went and had the meeting with the financial guru and his daughter (he's got two daughters working with him and one son just getting into the business, so it'll be nice ... his family will continue to help my family after he retires) and that went fairly well.

Took a while to explain exactly what the situation was ... his immediate/initial reaction was a bit reserved but, as we got into the specifics of it all he returned to that protective fatherly type energy and started agreeing with us that something needed to be done since my boat is sinking while we wait on my sister's pleasure. We explained about Kara's surgery coming up in October and how we needed money for that ... we explained about Rachel and how much she has contributed to keeping the boat afloat while we wait.

I told him specifically that I needed his help to light a fire under the executor's ass .. get him to stop waiting on my sister and get things moving forward again. We talked for almost two and a half hours, and I think it went well. He left me with he would see if there was something that could be done on a short term emergency type basis to help us hang on until things are resolved. He was going to contact the executor/lawyer and explain a few things to him ... after all, what's the point of inheriting by December, if I can't eat now.

Then we had a problem with Prospera credit union, which upset me greatly. But there was a greater upset that was growing ... it started making itself known during the meeting with the $guru, and slowly grew in strength as the day wore on.

Finally, around 1:45pm, had a chance to get some food and it hit me ... this was my first birthday in the whole of my life when I wasn't going to hear her voice ... or see her blue eyes. And I damn near came completely unglued ... took quite a while to regain my composure. Even now, typing this, I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.

Damn, I miss her. ;_;

Monday, August 8, 2011

Disgruntled Grumpiness ...

Blarg :p

I have spent the last three days trying to figure out what to write about and, other than some mighty negative feelings, nothing much has presented itself.

Went to Justin & Stephanie's wedding on Saturday ... very nice. Posted on FB the few pics I took on my iPhone that actually came out clear enough to be identifiable. Kind of sad we didn't make the reception, but I understand why ... and, honestly, Kara with a GI issue isn't something I want to inflict on anyone.

Tomorrow's the meeting with the financial guru ... here's hoping I have something positive to report and not just another case of "sorry, we can't help you" that has been the story of my life since as far back as I can remember. People perpetuating seven kinds of fraud can get help from all quarters ... but not me. (and so you get the gist of what I meant my negative feelings, I'm sure)

One good thing did happen on Friday last ... had opportunity to speak briefly to the landlord, who also happens to be a lawyerly type, about the situation with the estate. He suggested that I stop being Ms passive-pants (not his exact wording ^_~) and actually instruct the executor to get off his fanny and get things moving forward if it's simply a matter of having his bookwork for his time as Power of Attorney checked.

I'm going to be taking the renewal info for the acreage's 2nd mortgage with me to see the $guru in the morning ... and I'll be laying my financial situation out for him in as plain English as I can manage. I'm hoping there's something he can do to assist AND to enlist his aid in urging the lawyer/executor to get the ball rolling.

What's the point of standing to inherit 1/2 of Mum and Da's estate if I go bankrupt before the actual inheriting happens?

Here's hoping I have better news to report tomorrow, eh?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

"You saved my life, you know" ...

About a month or so ago, I happened across the song How to Save a Life by The Fray. The melody is quiet and upbeat; a rather unusual companion for the lyrics and yet it works ... it strikes a chord deep within me that reduces me to tears each and every time I hear it. Tapping into a deep well of pain and anguish the origins of which I am at a loss to explain ... a sorrow so profound as to leave me unable to speak for long minutes until I am able to recover my composure.

Twice now, in just under three months, I have had someone say those words to me ... two different people who, along the course of their lives, had opportunity to have their paths collide with mine in a manner that has obviously left a mark. Twice now, I have refused to accept those words ... insisting instead that they saved themselves ...if I had a role in it at all, it was simply as the person who gave them a chance to.

It is not that I didn't understand the significance of what they were trying to tell me. I do appreciate that they felt this so strongly that they needed to tell me ... and I am able to grasp the significance of the words themselves. It is, I think, that I am unable to accept the notion that I did anything special ...

Monday, August 1, 2011

Sleeping Dogs on Lughnassadh

Sometimes, somethings are just better left to the past and, apparently, I am learning to have some control over my impulsive side.
Go figure, it's only taken nearly 44 years, heh.

When I'm sleep deprived, keeping my mind busy is important else it has a bad tendency to lead me into committee, where I can then expend a fair amount of mental energy absolutely shredding myself (finding fault with everything and driving myself closer to a depressed state that would require medication to come out of). Being that the night before last was one of those sleepless nights, I spent the wee hours of the morning bumbling about on the computer reading random blog sites and updating my own (yesterday's post).

Eventually, towards dawn, on a whim I entered into Google the name of an individual I had known many years ago ... someone with whom I had a great deal of history and not all good. I suppose it was curiosity that led me to wonder how she was doing. What came up was a tightly restricted Facebook account (which had been given an URL name that only I would recognize being that it pertained to a story I had been writing when she and I last associated) and two news pieces dated to 2009.

The first one I found was actually the later piece of the two, published in the local Metro about the concerns of the number of people in Vancouver who exist under the poverty level. The GVRD has the highest poverty rate in the country ... with the poverty level being determined by the number of people who make under $16/hr which is the minimum single income that is needed to be able to live reasonably in the most expensive province. This person was featured as an example of someone who was too poor to get by on their own. In it she talked about being "trapped" by poverty and about how she had worries about how to feed her (then) 5 year old daughter. Knowing that she'd had three boys before I cut ties, discovering that there was no mention of them, only of the daughter, also led to some concern.

Those words struck me hard ...