Welcome to my Parlour ...

On August 26th, 2010, my mother passed beyond the veil.
This event has become a catalyst for change in many and often profound ways in my life.
This is my way of chronicling those changes so that I may, at a later date, have the ability to review and reflect upon them.

~ Go dtugtar breith orainn dá réir ár ngníomhartha. ~
(Let us, by our actions, be judged)

Friday, April 29, 2011

Closer Still ...

So, I got everything done today that I needed to except meeting with Lexi .. it's like the universe itself just doesn't want the two of us to get together. This time, it was she who came down ill and I hope she feels better soon.

Dropped off the notes/info package for that one patient with Rita, turned in my clinic key, and picked up my paycheque. Rita and Bev want to get together with me at noon tomorrow at the Grey Eagle Casino for a brunch/goodbye meal. I'm actually quite touched ... not at all what I was expecting and a nice way to let me know that I was actually appreciated (they do not do this for everyone) and will miss me (aye, as soon as there is laundry to do ^_~).

Sheri's going to drop by tomorrow afternoon as she says she has something for me and doesn't want me to leave without it. I have a suspicion I know what it is ... but I'm not going to say as I do not want to wreck her surprise. Going to miss her a lot.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Coming Closer ...

Okies ...

In just 3 days, I'll be on the road heading back to BC for keeps. With that in mind, I've been getting things ready:

Patient notes for a particular individual set up with an info packet so that one of our other therapists at the clinic can take over his treatment and just pick up from where I left off.

Adverts created for a replacement (since no one at the MMCC has bothered to advertise for a new therapist) and posted to craig's list and one ready to be put up on the community board at customer service in the mall. (someone's got to do it and this way I can feel that I've been quite fair)

Resume updated and 9 copies printed so I can get right to the job hunt after taking a short holiday (likely no more than about a fortnight or I'll be going squirrely from boredom)

Notebook computer recovered in anticipation of the trip ... still have a few things to put onto it to make it ready, but at least this way I know that it's not going to have any of the problems that it had been showing towards the end of my using it when Sutherland-Chan was still open.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Another Kick at the Cat ...

*sigh* ...

well, as if getting bitten by the tick on Sunday wasn't enough to be concerned about, it would appear that I've been exposed to ringworm today. Quite by accident, as the patient who was sporting the lesion was unaware of it's existence until I brought it to her attention and sent her to the Dr to have it properly diagnosed. Sadly, I found the lesion when my hand passed over it ... meaning that I came into direct contact with (if it is ringworm) a highly contagious fungal infection of the epidermis.

I've had ringworm before, I know how very virulently it spreads. Llaele and Jyslin (cats) had ringworm when we adopted them ... it wasn't long before most of the people in the house at the time showed signs of the circular, raised red rash with it's whitish centre. Kara was the worst affected and had to wear gloves at work for several weeks while using the cream to treat them.

If I have been exposed, then that means 4 weeks of anti-fungal cream and no work ... being that my profession involves direct skin to skin contact, I daren't take the risk of passing it on to someone else.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Balm for the Soul ...

Yesterday Kara, Sheri and I made a big departure from what constitutes the norm for any of us and we all got together to take a drive down through Radium to Golden BC and then back to Calgary. Acting upon a contagious whim, we set off early (for me anyhow) in the morning and got back some 13 hours later ... sunburned, exhausted, and having laughed more and harder than any of us had in months.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Preparative Planning ...

On a whim, I asked Kara last night if she'd like to go for a drive with me on Sunday down past Radium to Golden and then back. Just a short trip away from Calgary to take pictures, have some food and be silly. She agreed that it would beat sitting around the basement suite here wasting our time on our computers.

This afternoon, she suggested that we invite Sheri to come with us ... I thought that it was a great idea. It would give me some more time to spend with a truly nice person (you don't meet many of those in a lifetime and so the smart person savours any time you can with them) that is going to be too far away, in just 8 days, for me to have direct contact with often. Kara messaged her and, to our delight, she was game for the trip.

So, it would appear that we have a mini road-trip set up for tomorrow. And I, for one, am looking forward to it.

Paying It Forward ...

Well, I've managed to get a few things settled (cc and car loan) and am feeling (and sleeping) better .. although I still need one or two more night of good sleep to really feel like I'm recovering.

I made a friend happy Thursday night .. I gave her my phone. Her's was dying and she couldn't afford to replace it ... while I was planning to get a new one as I have to admit to missing my iPhone 4. My Samsung Galaxy S is still a pretty new phone, only a couple of months old, and works beautifully ... just not my preference. So, I managed to upgrade my account hardware yesterday to my phone of choice, which left me with a perfectly good phone without a user and a friend without a good working phone. Seemed like the logical pair up to me. I'm very grateful that she was gracious enough to simply accept the phone as the gift it was ... initially, when I suggested that I would do this, she had asked me how much I wanted for it and I'd gotten very uncomfortable being that I didn't want to sell it to her ... just give it. Luckily for me, Sheri read my discomfort correctly and dropped the subject of money ... I had no idea what a fair price for it would be, I knew she couldn't afford it in any case, and I didn't want money for it anyhow.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Rolling Stones ...

Not only gather no moss, but they have a tendency to clobber anything that's at the bottom of the hill.

Just a quick update to mention that my own personal boulder seems to finally have begun to move. Got the initial cheque from the executor today and that has allowed me to set things to rights with my credit card and my car loan. Quite the load off my mind, to be very honest.

Had an opportunity to demonstrate to Kara why it is that I will likely keep dealing with BMO as my bank. She got to see a demonstrated level of customer service from the folks at my branch over at Marlborough Mall that is normally reserved for VIP's only. And that is how they have treated me from day one, even at those times when my account was in arrears.

More later, I'm soooo tired I could wake up tomorrow with the qwerty imprint on my face.

Huzzah for things getting better !

Friday, April 15, 2011

The 'Tween State ...

OK ... so, now that I am a bit better rested (sadly my Eureka moment of mental clarity didn't result in an ability to get more than a little sleep), I feel the need to define further the fuzzy logic that bubbled to the surface at 2:30 am. Most frustrating for me is the feeling that I'm poised upon something profoundly important that my intuitive subconscious self grasps fully, but that my analytical conscious mind can only see the edges of.

I can "feel" the right answer but, in order to understand it in the here and now, I need to put it into words and, in that, I feel like I'm failing. What I sensed so clearly in the middle of the night, is less distinct in the light of day ... harder to pin down even though I am not now fighting my own need to put my head down and close my eyes constantly. Staying focused right now takes considerable effort, staying focused at 2:30am just wasn't going to happen. I'm fortunate that I managed to get as much as I did into the last post.

I'm grateful for whatever inspiration had me set up my iPad as my night-time clock on my headboard within easy reach of my pillow. Between the twitter post that I don't even remember making at 2am and the blog post from 2:30 I, at least, have something to work with now ... as opposed to that infuriating feeling that I'd lost something important.

It has to do with understanding of the vast potential/power inherent in the 'TWEEN from the point of view of the Gael.

In Between ...

I actually think that I've had something of an epiphany in this sleep deprived state of mine. I've been making the right noises with regards to this transitory period ... BUT I have not really been recognizing this for what it is, nor have I embraced the real potential inherent in the changes.

I have been so focused upon simply enduring these last few weeks in Calgary ... my mind so intent on disliking the fact that I'm having to be patient and surrender to the tides pushing my fate around that I have nearly missed the fact that (according to Gael Lore) I'm actually poised within that most powerful of places:

The Crossroad!
The In-Between place where every heartbeat is virtually pregnant with possibility.

It is at this time, when I feel at my weakest and most vulnerable, that I have the greatest chance to MANIFEST the energies that will shape my reality for the next cycle of my life.

It was literally just now, as I was trying to figure out what title would best fit my thoughts and feelings righ, that I came to the realization that this is when I need to be planning and deciding what I wish to have come into my life.

Talk about a d'uh moment ...

I'll be back later today, when it's not 2:30am and I've had some sleep, to elaborate more on what I mean.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Success ... sort of ...

The twitter, followers, and event gadgets are working again!

I had nothing to do with it, they seem to have sorted themselves out on their own. Either way, I'm much happier with how this place is looking. I guess, in a way, this place is like having my own room .. it's a place for me to express myself, so it might as well reflect me aesthetically/visually. I've been opting for the less-is-more approach, trying to keep things simple and clean. Definitely does not reflect the chaos that are my nerves and thoughts recently, but perhaps that's the point. I'd like my inner state to return to something that more closely resembles calm.

Been watching a lot of the Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic channel the last few weeks and I can definitely understand why Tara is such a fan. I find that just watching the show can help soothe me, he has a presence and practical approach to the troubled canines they show on the program that the "calm assertive energy" has a way of communicating itself through the screen. Even Kara's remarked upon it ... how the energy in the suite changes when that show is playing.

Template Twist ...

Right, so I have no idea why my Twitter feed and Followers section is not showing up. I was adding a caption to  my upper image box from my iPad when, with no warning/preamble/error message, they both stopped working. No clue if this is temporary, permanent nor about why it's happened. I've tried everything short of deleting the gadgets and reinstalling them (which I will do tomorrow ... well, later today ... if they appear to be staying broken.

Eh well, I guess it's not a bad thing as it's given me a reason to post today.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Stalemate or Crossroads?

Well, today is the day that the executor/lawyer gets back from Christchurch.

I greatly doubt that I'll be hearing from him for a couple more days, unfortunately my stress level is reaching an all-time high. The answer I'm waiting upon is coming inexorably closer and, while I suspect that I know what it will be, there really is no substitute for the concreteness of actually knowing for certain where one stands.

Ok, fatigue is finally kicking my butt. Time to take a nap break ...

So, it's now many hours later and I'm a modicum more rested than I was when I started this. I really don't have a lot to say at this point BUT I'm trying to make a point of posting something at least every other day, if not each day. I found that, through the project 365 photography challenge, I can undertake something and stick to it, so this becomes something new to train myself to do regularly.

Well, that's all for now. Back to work.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Esthetic Designs ...

Slowly, I'm getting this space put together so that it looks a little more ... "pretty".

Other than for the reason that it is keeping me busy and my mind otherwise occupied than upon the "hurry up and wait" situation that is slowly drawing to a close, I'm not sure why I'm putting the effort in. It's not like I expect this to become one of those hyper-popular blogs .. heck, I really can't even stand the word blog.

Blog .. bleh .. blerg ... blah ...

Eh well, I suppose even if I'm the only one reading it .. the place might as well look nice.

I think part of the trouble is that I feel I need to censor myself online ... not give away too much being that once it's "out there" it very rarely can be reclaimed.

There's not much here right now but a collection of my fears and a record of my stress ... but who's to say that it will stay that way. Mayhaps, I'll have something more worthwhile once everything has sorted itself out into a semblance of normality. Or mabey (yes I know I've misspelled it ... but it is a consistent misspelling that actually makes the word sound like how I pronounce it so I let it stay), this will remain a little place just for me and continue to be overlooked by the rest of the world. In the end, who cares?

The point of the exercise is to provide myself with a place where I can go back and re-read my thoughts and experiences at a later date so that I don't forget this very difficult of lessons and end up letting the memory of my Mother (and Father) down.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Plentiful Ponderings ...

So, being that it is official, I guess it's about time that I started to think about what I should be doing next ...

A lot will depend upon my level of income and whether I will need to work full or part time ... or even whether circumstances will create for me the ability to take 6 months off and focus on studies.

I would like to pass my board exams to be able to work as an RMT in BC should I choose to do so. The reality, however, is that I will need to put a good 6 months of study into getting ready for them ... three years of working in Calgary have caused me to forget a fair bit, in particular the technical terms/language surrounding anatomy and physiology. You talk to real (non-healthcare) people in technical language and most of them will stare at you with glazed eyes, some will actually develop significant stress (white-coat syndrome) as a result. Making certain they understand what is being said to them involves putting things in the plainest English possible. If they cannot understand, then the practitioner cannot enlist the individual's nervous system to work cooperatively with the therapy. They do not gain as quickly, gains made do not last as long, and they are less likely to follow through with self-care homework. I will need much time in review and study to bring my technical knowledge back up to where it had been when I graduated WCCMT in Dec. 2007. If things went well, I could be ready for the February 2012 sitting.

I also need to follow up on the TRU Bachelor's degree and see if it is even still available (I have heard rumblings). I would likely need to reapply being that I haven't had the time nor funds to follow up on it during the last two years. Which annoys and discourages me greatly, being that I had been so very happy to have been accepted in the first place.

I find myself pulled in two different directions ... on the one hand, I have had a great number of people tell me that I should look into psychology as it seems to be something I have a talent for. I do admit interest and, being that my father was who he was, I spent a fair amount of time absorbing information from him through association.

On the other hand, I am aware that Airmid is ascendant in my life (or will be in the next year or so) and therefore I feel strongly drawn to formally learn herbalism. The fact that http://www.dominionherbal.com/ is located in Burnaby and is Western North America's oldest and most respected herbal college (and that I have it as a repeating peripheral theme over the course of the last 25 years) gives me a strong sense that I should be taking their Chartered Herbalist course at very least. Particularly as it would line up my education with Jasper's ... allowing us to work far more effectively as a team.

Still others have suggested that I take up teaching ... this one is not likely to happen as I just do not feel that I have gained enough knowledge in anything to warrant me being let loose on the minds of others as a teacher.

I'm also aware that there's no age limit to any of these ventures ... tho, to gain my Doctorate in Psychology would mean 7-10 years and I'm already turning 44 ... and there's nothing to say I can't work on all of them, should I care to.  Just wish that I had a definite course as opposed to too many options *heh*.

I guess I'm still seeking that "sense of purpose" ... 43&1/2 years on the planet and I still haven't quite figured out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing here. I know that I derive my greatest sense of satisfaction and self-esteem from "being of service". It's that whole INFP thing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFP) ... just went and reread this (http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html) page and am struck by how much it echoes what I just wrote, and by how accurately it described both my inner motivations and outer interactions. I suppose, at 1-5% of the total population of the planet, Idealistic Healers (Kiersey's definition) are an odd bunch and perhaps as difficult for themselves to figure out as for the rest of the world.

Ahhh! I need a sign.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Sleepless Reprise ...

Ugh, well here is another night where I cannot find slumber even though I am _so_ tired.

Got another email from Jackie about her dissatisfaction with everything will/estate related. Basically just her lecturing me about money and insisting that she knows best. I still do not share her concerns ...

Why are things as they are? Because that is what Mum wanted. Why is the estate in Stan Lewis' hands and why is Ian Burroughs the executor? Because Mum trusted them and felt they would honour her wishes that her daughters would be taken care of.


I'll be glad when the Executor gets back from NZ and I can find out exactly if and how this affects me. 

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Nervous Exhaustion ...

Today ... well, yesterday really ... turned out to be a total wash. I'm pretty certain that the collapse was a direct result of my giving in my notice on Tuesday.  I went to sleep early'ish on Tuesday night and slept pretty soundly until around 8am. Waking to head to the bathroom, I noted absently to Kara (who was at her computer) that I felt ridiculously tired ... keeping my eyes open long enough to get back to bed seemed like a chore.

I have a vague recollection of Kara coming into the room to try to rouse me for our workout, but her efforts were in vain. Tho I did struggle to keep my eyes open, it just wasn't going to happen. I knew nothing more until 2:30 when I again woke for a bio-break.

In total, I have slept for approximately 18 hours. Even now, I can feel it sneaking up on me again. I think that giving notice was the final straw, the proverbial straw that has precipitated my nervous shutdown.

This isn't a bad thing and, if I could just get over this head cold, I'd likely be feeling a whole ton better. Oh well, it really does beat insomnia. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Like a Leaf in a ...

Alright then, it's done.

I gave Rita my letter just before I started my shift and, so far, it's only been met with an effort to talk me out of it and mild disapproval. If things stay at this level, the rest of the month won't be so bad.

Nothing to do but wait now ... finish out the month and see if things stay good or slowly change for the worse.

Meh, in any case, it's not too long and done is done. I'm sure I'll feel better soon.

If I could only stop shaking ...

Notice Nerves ...

So, today is the day that I give in my notice at the clinic and I'm a bundle of nerves. As difficult as it has been, at times, to work there I have to admit that there has also been a sense of security.
Rita has been good as her word ever since we talked on the phone and she offered me the job. She has been a source of advice, security, and aid at all times. She understands the psychology of loyalty and how to encourage it in those around her. As such, it is very hard to turn my back on her, even when it is what I need for my own wellbeing.
This, when combined with my knowledge of how things tend to be once she knows that an individual is preparing to move beyond her sphere of control, leads me to a state of high anxiety over what the next month may hold once she discovers that I will no longer be one of her money making tools.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Stressed Sleeplessness ...

So here I am again at 3am ... unable to sleep.

I've moved to the living-room as I'm getting concerned that I'm starting to teach my subconscious that it's OK to lie for hours staring at the TV or the ceiling. That is not a pattern I wish to encourage.

Why am I sleepless? Well, partly because of the strain of the whole "hurry up and wait" process and partly because of the pain caused by the sudden rapid barometric changes that are taking place as yesterday's snowstorm finally blows itself out. We're supposed to be starting into a fortnight of nicer, more spring-like weather with temperatures (and hopefully barometer) holding at a stable level.

So, the decision's been made to move up the date of my return to BC from June 1 to May 1 ... which means I have to hand in my notice soon ... Monday or Tuesday. Because tonight is the dark moon, it's the best time for writing the letter. A good time for endings (which must come before new beginnings) and so, I'm hoping that it will go well. But I'm not really sure. Rita has a bad habit of being all nice-nice to an employee right up tot he point where she discovers that they are quitting. I remember how, with Bonnie, she told me she was considering refusing her resignation letter ... which, I guess, would mean that she would consider Bonnie as having left without adequate notice? I don't know. I also know that Bonnie tried to use Rita as a reference and R wasn't the kindest.

Ugh ...
Will be so nice to have this over with.

I so don't want to be awake right now ...

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Ripples ...

Well, I managed to spot Kara having a rough time of things last night. She's been trying so hard to be strong and stable for me, I kind of knew things weren't as solid as she was letting on. I had spoken to her the day before about her talking to Dr Preece about everything that's going on, working on a hunch that she would likely have more trouble than she was letting on if only from the fact that she's never lived any way but hand-to-mouth in all her life.

Last night, as we were watching TV, I actually noticed her turn timid and insecure for once. It was a good thing because I was able to act on that and derail the panic attack before it really got hold.

Score one for my observational skills improving. ^_^

So, she is going to talk to Dr. Preece about it when she sees her mid-month. And I think this is a very good thing since I'm going to be relying upon her understanding of numbers to help shore up my poor money skills.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Beginning steps ...

So, it would appear that (since things with the estate are close to finally being sorted out) I'm going to be altering my timeline. I'm going to be heading home May 1 instead of June 1.

I'm of mixed feelings about this ... On the one hand, I cannot wait to get back to Vancouver and my friends there. On the other, my plans and financials are not sufficiently set in stone for me to be worry free.

I have heard back from Justin and Stephanie that coming a month early won't be any trouble for them. I'll be giving Rita my notice on Tuesday (which gives her most of the month to find a replacement). Then all I can do is wait until the executor gets back from NZ on the 12th before I can find out for certain the details of the disbursement timeline.


Overwhelming ...

Had an interesting evening with Kara, Stephen, and Jasper on LotRo. We used the game's voice chat and google maps to chat with each other over a couple possible houses in Surrey. It was almost as good as being there IRL.

We were able to use the G-maps street view feature to take a look at both the places and their neighbourhoods. We were able to discuss the various land challenges and housing issues based on what we could see ... and even managed to rule out one neighbourhood by taking a look at it's awful curb appeal.

Was fun to play the game of "what if" ... and a fair bit more overwhelming to realize that we might be doing this for real in the not too distant future.