Things are finally starting to resume a sense of balance, internally,
I am rediscovering my ability to regulate my mouth, if not quite my moods just yet. Allowing me to be increasingly fit company for other people to be around.
An internal/mental filter is a very good thing to have. There are people out there who wonder why I am always surprised when they refer to be as a good person .. or Kara reports back to me that so-and-so thinks I'm great. It's because those people do not get to hear what goes on inside my head 90% of the time.
I am not a nice person, though I do choose to strive for kindness in my dealings with myself and others. I am easily annoyed and frequently cranky and, without internal filters, those closest to me have an unfortunate tendency to be the recipients of the cutting edge of my tongue ... often without my even meaning to.
Were this an AD&D realm I could, at best, be described as a true neutral with enlightened self-interest.
Essentially this means that I am selfish but have adopted the perspective that, in order for my life to be calm/peaceful/successful/happy, those closest to me need to be calm/peaceful/successful/happy and so I will do whatever I can to manipulate situations, under-currents, subtle energies and even people to guarantee that good happens to the folk who might otherwise disrupt my serenity.
I am grateful for those who put up with me but baffled by why-ever any of them would want to call me friend .. particularly when, in my naturally ultra-reclusive, introverted (and phobic and socially inept/anxious) state, I am blindingly craptastic at the day-to-day mundaneties that are involved in cultivating and maintaining friendship.
Welcome to my Parlour ...
This is my way of chronicling those changes so that I may, at a later date, have the ability to review and reflect upon them.
~ Go dtugtar breith orainn dá réir ár ngníomhartha. ~
(Let us, by our actions, be judged)